Malicious truths

I walk free you say
yet every day I see my sisters fall
see your hands around their necks
the shadows of fingers left behind
and you deny my vision
you deny us thrice
a thousand times
yet when the cock crows you are not ashamed

Heteronormative

This week has been so reaffirming to my LGBTQQ Ally identitiy

yesterday I went to a three hour training session

now there is a magnet on my door

and now today I found this in the archives of the "instantdaily", a very popular, funny but on occasion offcolor anonymous commentary article in my school newspaper

"The words "I love Lisa" are written on a bathroom stall in the women's bathroom in the library. Either this Lisa thinks very highly of herself, or some guy was really, really lost."

http://www.dailycampus.com/2.7438/instant-daily-1.1054608

Seriously? does it get more heteronormative than that?

I mean, really

and how much do you want to bet that most people did not notice?

this way we are so trained, so....

every time it is assumed that women can't be in love with each other, or men

this ridiculous way of life we are brainwashed for

by fear, by hatred, by ignorance

Firefly

Hello
I have been at camp for a couple of weeks now, my second group of children just left and there are more coming in just over an hour!
it has been pretty insane
anyways, here I have taken the camp name firefly
of course, this is at least partially after the fantastic scifi show
something I have had trouble with is getting everyone to call me that, in an effort to not confuse my children
also, it can get very confusing for myself and my co-counselor when we also have a camper named Erin
there was one in both groups of kids
anyways, there has been time for little but camp and sleep
sooo, later

Lost and...

I am now at camp, pre-camp is like job training...except you live there in the woods and everyone is a young woman and a bunch of them are british
basically
anyways
outside of the gloriously wifi-enabled staff house I saw a sign
lost and found
this is far too optimistic a title
"lost and forgotten"
seems more appropriate
realism, this is what I bring to the table
on another note
I am basically channeling Buffy
yesterday I stabbed a tick with a thumbtack
and today I have squished at least six mosquitoes
just saying

an old friend

I am becoming reaquainted with an old friend
marathoning random tv series to avoid life
whether it be problems with friends or family or work
also known as my high school life
or now, the fact that every time I'm home I'm packing
nothing takes my mind off of it like television
specifically, arrested development
this time
house, scrubs, torchwood
psych, bones, criminal minds
it goes on and on
the only way out
is coming soon
when I am busy
leaving for camp tomorrow
and constant exposure to friends and commitment
is my antidote
my methadone 

oh hello there

yeah so i have been back from Ghana for about half a week, but only a day or so back home
so, excuses!
this summer is exceptionally busy, and I have not been having blog inspiration while within reach of my laptop
apologies
in 24 hours I have to be repacked for a week(or is it two?) for camp training, so yeah not a lot of downtime
but I will think of something by tomorrow night
:)

Why Hello There

So I have been mysteriously silent as of late, I'm sure it is not mysterious to my few subscribers but I have been in Ghana for almost a month now, flying out this Friday. I have a lot written in my other blog, Not a Safari, and I have basically been updating that instead of this. I have been pretty busy with outreaches and such, and have had limited or no internet capability since I have arrived.

a monkey at the monkey sanctuary

a hibiscus flower from a bush at the royal hotel, where we stayed for outreach with Northwestern

the stage where we had money thrown at us, the cultural center in Kumasi

a butterfly I freed using Cal's hat at Kate Memorial Hotel

waterfall, obviously

A tree at outreach where I did visual acuity outside because I forgot my survey

 

It has been a lot of fun so far, totally insane and incredibly interesting.  Given the choice I would probably not stay as long as I have, and I am really excited to go home. It can be immensely satisfying and rewarding to work at outreach, but sometimes the alien environment, these people I don't really know and, even the trees are so very different; I am sometimes overwhelmed by homesickness and a longing to be back amongst friends and family.

ancient

ancient wisdom, tales of old
the facination with antiquity, with what has endured
the question is our perspective
we do not judge them on the terms of the present
for the ancient is above the everyday
it has endured, it lives on
the ancient is what we seek
beyond life, to be ancient
to be remembered

The Reality

Birthdays always remind me
of all the times that I hew a huge discrepancy between
imagination and reality
events that are supposed to change you
rarely do

alright I have to clarify that this is talking about birthdays, graduations, events that are socially implied and represent a transformation that in fact takes place over a great deal of time but is expected to be condensed into a specific celebratory day. Some events do change a person, typically these are traumatic, and while that is also important it is not actually what I am talking about at the moment.
but i digress, to an extent

and what is expected
was in fact already achieved in the expectations and the decisions
on a birthday
one does not feel different than the day before, for every day age increases equally, but instead they feel older and far different than the year before or five, ten years ago, I do not feel older from two days ago but I do feel older than a year or even a few months ago.
metamorphosis is a process

Journal

I used to write in my journal all the time
it is full of secrets
but now
all but the darkest are lit
it is funny
it is lovely
such a comprehensive support system
it is somthing that
I never anticipated having
and I love you for it

the silence

the silence
it roars
scaring the words back into my throat
the silence
it stabs
don't you know it is a knife?
the silence
it is not
because it does not know how to be

Forever

religion is what happened when humans looked into forever and said "i want that"
forever is the unattainable
when I look at forever
when I want forever
it seems ridiculous that I
a mortal, so simple an young
could even consider
forever
could even approach, imagine
as if my speaking the word, thinking it
did tarnish the meaning
the depth

Velociraptor Awareness Day

today i would like to bring your attention to a grave problem facing our country
velociraptors
every year people in our country, around the world, live in fear of velociraptor attack
more information, as well as helpful tips, pictures, and vides about raising awareness and protecting yourself from velociraptor attackcan be found here:
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=138094716222781&index=1
stay safe!

It's Just a Fantsy

a flight of fancy
imagination
and yet
it is more real than reality
and hundreds of times more honest

The problem with vampires

today I was thinking about kidneys
yup, bio
and then about vampires
be very afraid of that train of thought
the problem with vampires is digestion
I mean, how do they digest blood?
this is not even really a hypothetical question
because of vampire bats
but I tried to think of
the best way
to digest blood
like, would a giant kidney work in the place of a gastrointestinal tract?
just filtering out the forign blood and integrating it into their syestem
this seems unlikley
do they just digest it like we digest food?
fortunateley
I know the answer
tank you, vampire bats

yes you

It turns out that it is very difficult to make a living
drinking blood
vampire bats can drink about half of their body mass in blood
they then almost immediately urinate most of the blood plasma
but still have trouble taking off with the sheer extra mass of blood cells

this system would possibly prove a tad embarrassing for most fabled vampires
problems added because vampire bats have to feed basically every night to keep from starving

ok then, it is unlikely that vampires, being human-sized and not? flying all that much, would have the same problems
but still one has to wonder how they are metabolizing this blood, full of foreign antibodies and DNA

know what? vampires do not make any sense
they suck >.>
but really, it is a terrible idea
do they breathe? apparently "Edward" does not, but does not feed nearly often enough to maintain blood oxygen levels
where do they get off?

What If

for every decision
there is a what if
the opposite conclusion
lingering long after
and the question is
whether the universe of what if
festering in your mind
exists only there

insecurity

insecurities are emotionally restrictive
they can make a person seem neurotic or just
completeley nuts
but everyone
has at least one insecurity
the difference
is whether yours has been exploited recently

Why Not?

I couldn't think of a good reason

Blissing Out

Today was a good day
there is a lot going on
a lot of stress
a good deal of work and uncertainty
but regardless
I was blissing out
of course, not the entire day
but once or twice, sitting in class or in the dining hall
I think back about the good things
and the world gets all warm and fuzzy
and negatives just wash away
as if by a flood of warmth
or else burned away by the sun
which is impressive
because it rained today

Inspiration

Inspiration comes
when it is most unhelpful
when you are busy
when you are desperately trying to sleep
inspiration comes
from trial
from people
from beauty
from competition
Inspiration is
art

The Little Things

I used to live in a place
where the little things meant a lot
peace enclosed in a bubble, surrounded by chaos
the thinnest of membranes
rent open often, and each time growing back weaker
thinner
smaller and smaller events tearing it
the insignificant things
the needle so close to the translucent skin
it's the little things
when you live in a place
where the little things mean a lot
you never leave it

confrontation is hard
when the little things mean a lot
arguments leave bigger scars
when the little things mean a lot
friends are gone in the blink of an eye
when the little things mean a lot
breaking down comes easily and quickly
when the little things mean a lot

It's like a metaphor

You hear it all the time
metaphors
the seasons, an apple, a swing
metaphors for life
I have a postulation
everything
is a metaphor for life
and I plan to prove it
or at least support it with evidence
and you are going to help!
think you have an exception?
comment it
and I will post with a way that it is a metaphor for life
or admit defeat!

ZOMG

ZOMG ONLY ONE DAY LEFT TO ANSWER THE QUIZ!
you know you want to

Fear, Shame, and Guilt

Generally we find
Fear, Shame, and Guilt
at the gym
in the cafeteria
in front of the mirror
the exploitation
of insecurity
for profit
for diets and clothing and makeup and surgery
I am not above it
I have not been above it, to say
I still have
fear, shame, and guilt
it is very similar
the reason
and I feel it today

Today in class I felt unwell
it seemed that my digestive system was not
accepting
of my lunch
dammed Mango Tango
anyways
we were discussing body image
and we were asked
"who is fully content with their body, does not want to change anything"
raise your hand
and I missed the moment
and now I feel
fear, shame, and guilt
because my fear
is that one day I will not love my body
and my shame
is that I said that I did not
and my guilt
is not raising my hand

Fantastic!

Matthew Gray Gubler/Dr Reid IN MY LIBRARY :)

another insane doctor who fan exists somewhere on campus, and I love them

This is the sort of thing that makes me instantly happy and pretty excited
that is because, for much of my life
I have lived in fantasy worlds
there have been a number of them, originating in the minds of various authors and later television writers
translated and transformed into a safer place for my mind to travel to
when things got complicated
or friends left
I'm not saying that I told everyone my name was Rose or ran into wardrobes hoping there was somewhere else hidden behind the coats
just that sometimes, reality looks like the less viable option
the inferior world
of course, critically this is absurd because of the incredible amount of destruction found in shows(in Dr. Who and Torchwood, remarkably all in Britain ^^)
I'm just saying
that this flyer made me happy
a sense of community with someone I don't know at all
an instant and transcendent connection
frivolous, but enough 

The Blue Skies

You look and see the blue skies
can't see the chill
They tell you about the blue skies
they forget the wind
you go and feel the cold
rushes past your skin
if you don't find the blue skies
you just tell of the chill

Humans and People

people aren't people when you pass them on the street
they are measured
by your perceptions
are they social constriction?
are they your audience?
are they in the way?
are they making you uncomfortable?
are they a reflection
of what you are feeling?
of loneliness or pain?
do they remind you of something, or someone else?
because most people
are not people
to you

when they are lost
a human loss
casualties
the numbers grow larger
and if you try to imagine
but you can't
not then, of all times
that every human
is a person

you are a person
I am a person
but if I see you on the street, you may not be
to me
and I
to you

everyone is a person
humanity
an entity
and every person an entity as well, as complex
each one as the last
recognizable only to some
a terrible few

I can not even
now
ask that you consider
every human
a person
those you see, those you hear
hear of
I have tried it
there is a point where it is no longer real
where a person is not a person
yet again
and humanity returns to a more mediocre
backround
white noise
rainbow noise

Far too

When they say that I am like you
I think no way
I am far too special
far too unique
far too different
to even speak
of similarities

When they say that i am like you
You think no way
I am far too special
far too unique
far too different
to even think
of similarities

Need

I hate fundraising
right now I am fundraising for an organization called Unite For Sight
and I hate it, not the organization
but the need
the money
I hate money
and I hate need
when I need people
it makes me feel
terrible
anxious
uneasy
angry
because I always feel
like they will let me down
purposely put me down
and the more I give
of myself
the worse I know they can make me feel
when they leave
when they turn
which I know is not
an inevitability
but it feels as certain as death
at least in the beginning
at first
and then every once in a while
after that

The Healthy Life

I live on the 3rd floor
and I hate when people on my floor take the elevator
none of them are disabled, rarely are they carrying things
it is just laziness
and the most ironic, terrible part
is that they probably "work out"
going to the gym multiple times a week
on the stairmaster, the treadmil
and then, in regular life
taking the elevator
and the bus
such is our generation, relying on technology for
absolutely everything
trying to be "healthy" and active
but living everyday life in a lazy way
pushing the status quo to the rediculous
and making me sick

Looking Forward

To tonight, the weekend
To finding out about that camp job
To the next warm sunny day
To important packages in the mail
To Birthdays
To Visits from friends
To adventures
To opportunities of a lifetime
To summer break
To fun at camp
To a lot of reading
To the return of that show, and the other one too
To seeing you again outside of school
To that class, that looks really neat
To the other one that sounds interesting
To the next break, and the next
To success
To acceptances
and maybe the rejections too
To more learning
To practice and training
To celebrations
To working long hours
To making a difference
To doing what I love
To happily ever after
To the sunset
and everything in between
the days and the seconds
the time this takes
the next post too
but mostly today

What is Busy

I have a lot to do
but a lot of times, I don't feel busy
i guess I associate busy with motion
and a lot of what I halve to do involves sitting on my computer
or at my desk
generally not leaving my room
except for class
Of course
I do leave, and quite often
things that are not necessary, but are needed
for sanity
but still, there is the stress
from what I need to be accomplishing
for a frame of refrence
here are my tabs:

yes they do take two pictures...but there are repeats

and yes, with the ironic "time management" XKCD comic, what can I say

oh and windows

I have said my life is a clusterfuck of internet activity
and do not be misled
I am not complaining
I want to get an Iphone just to bring it all with me
everywhere I go
and I know
that the complexity of my obligatieons
is something I chose
I don't need to be taking 20 credits or volunteering in Ghana
so no complaining
because my life is awesome
and a little bit busy
but that is the way I like it

False Spring

Today it is lovely
bright, sunny
and yet haunted by the fact
that it is but false spring
translucent and short
a mere reprise
from cold and wet and dark and dull
so bathe in it
and forget
the future

An Anniversary

I do regret to inform you
that I must be cryptic
on this, the anniversary of the day
so many years ago
is it the day? I confess my memory has swallowed
the exact date, the time that it all came undone
and I do admit
that time has not rebounded
the tearing on my heart
that began then
the slicing of my spirit
to ribbons
tied now into bows
respectable, contained
moving forward, you say
you all say
but i find it hard to
believe
when that has always been a mistake
to be paid

Sunlight

A while back
I decided, as I do sometimes
to look up something random
I am not solid on the original inspiration
but I was spurred to write today
by my conversation with James
(as well as, I admit, the beautiful sunny weather today)
about random knowledge
something I sometimes pursue
whether to satisfy a curiosity
or for really no reason at all
so today I wanted to talk about Human Photosynthesis, something I googled
a while back
after, if I remember correctly, a Bio class
now, quite a few pages came up when this was searched

and although Answers.com is against the idea
there are proponents
namely, this lovely fellow

Hira Ratan Manek(Picture from the "Center For Human Evolution")
apparently has been living on the sun's light for months at a time
in an interview by "New Connexion: Pacific Northwests Journal of Concious Living"(http://newconnexion.net/articles/index.cfm/2004/11/manek.html), the first question is "Hira, you stopped eating solid food in 1995 and have baffled the doctors and scientists who have studied you during water fasts of 211 and 411 days. How do you manage it?"
that, is a good question
now, I do not believe this for a second, but this guy, still as prominent in the proposal of human photosynthesis as the day I fist looked it up,
promotes the ancient art
and references ancient sun worship
as well as a story about two people who lived for 50 years without food
so, if you want to test it out
stand in the sun for 10 to 15 minutes
every day right around sunrise or sunset
eat less food
and drink "solarized water"
which you leave in a glass jar in the sun
for the best effects
add gemstones

Sorry to disapoint

I see the cursor blinking
at the end of the line
or worse
the beginning
and I know that it wants to travel across the page
and I know it has expectations
I have expectations
that I will type
and it will travel
so I am sorry if
you were expecting more
but I simply had to please it
regardless
of the consequence

Alright Potter!

Today on glee
my very favorite couple, Kurt and Blaine, finally got together
I love them
1. becasue Blaine was also Harry Potter in A Very Potter Musical
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmwM_AKeMCk
which is FANTASTIC
2. because they are adorable, in a sometimes totally corney way
3. because Kurt was sad before and now things are looking up for once...seriously this might be one of the only things that has gone right for him the entire show.
not that I am an expert on glee
started watching...not at the beginning
and one thing I HATE
is homophobia
becasue I really feel bad
for the people it hurts, for the people who are hiding and for the people who they hurt becasue of this shame that society uses to exclude them and try to keep them quiet.
I don't understand how people can be so stupid, so blind and so ready to follow such hurtful dogma, how they can abuse or even kill people just for loving the wrong way.
humanity always finds a way to hate
I do understand how it is about control, about exclusion to create inclusion in a society
how people can find it disturbing, or not understand it
but why....in our new and enlightened age, can such old and idiotic prejudices be still upheld, still out-rightly defended and taught
why do people need someone to hate?
and better, why do they chose people who have never hurt anyone?
generalizations are...so idiotic
but so prevelent
humanity
needs to stop the practice of scapegoting
but even as I type the words I know that we are incapable
and that is what makes us stupid creatures blundering across the face of the planet
because no matter what
we hate
for no reason at all

Anonymity and Lack Thereof

I have a thing
for being anonymous
probably because otherwise, people know things about me
which is unnacceptable
apparently
anything that keeps me a secret
is ok
AIM, Cokemusic, runescape, secretive facebook applications, fake email addresses
that was how I liked to talk to people
where they did not know me, could not see me
even people who in real life I did know
unfortunately that is absurd
 but this is real, not in a physical, vocal way
but in a permanent, identifier-ridden kind of way
and that
is a breath of fresh air

The Song

Let's sing a song about lemons
Lemons
Lemons are really good
Good!
Let's sing a song about lemons
Lemons
Don't you wish you could
Sing a song about lemons
Lemons
Lemons are really good

I think you get the picture
Camp, it is a problem
especially if you don't want repetitive songs permanently engraved in your neurons
but, that is why I make the big bucks
I, of course, loved this song
why?
because I am a child
ALSO
because it goes on forever
and it turns tables
it's like, a metaphor
for realsssss

because when somthing goes on forever, it is consistant and reliable
it never ends
you just don't get that anywhere else
of course
eventually it does end
when the other half gives up
our I do

on a more relevant facet
this is inspiration
to not give up on this
because life is crazy
and shows no signs
of becoming less complex