Malicious truths

I walk free you say
yet every day I see my sisters fall
see your hands around their necks
the shadows of fingers left behind
and you deny my vision
you deny us thrice
a thousand times
yet when the cock crows you are not ashamed

Journal

I used to write in my journal all the time
it is full of secrets
but now
all but the darkest are lit
it is funny
it is lovely
such a comprehensive support system
it is somthing that
I never anticipated having
and I love you for it

the silence

the silence
it roars
scaring the words back into my throat
the silence
it stabs
don't you know it is a knife?
the silence
it is not
because it does not know how to be

Forever

religion is what happened when humans looked into forever and said "i want that"
forever is the unattainable
when I look at forever
when I want forever
it seems ridiculous that I
a mortal, so simple an young
could even consider
forever
could even approach, imagine
as if my speaking the word, thinking it
did tarnish the meaning
the depth

The Little Things

I used to live in a place
where the little things meant a lot
peace enclosed in a bubble, surrounded by chaos
the thinnest of membranes
rent open often, and each time growing back weaker
thinner
smaller and smaller events tearing it
the insignificant things
the needle so close to the translucent skin
it's the little things
when you live in a place
where the little things mean a lot
you never leave it

confrontation is hard
when the little things mean a lot
arguments leave bigger scars
when the little things mean a lot
friends are gone in the blink of an eye
when the little things mean a lot
breaking down comes easily and quickly
when the little things mean a lot

Fear, Shame, and Guilt

Generally we find
Fear, Shame, and Guilt
at the gym
in the cafeteria
in front of the mirror
the exploitation
of insecurity
for profit
for diets and clothing and makeup and surgery
I am not above it
I have not been above it, to say
I still have
fear, shame, and guilt
it is very similar
the reason
and I feel it today

Today in class I felt unwell
it seemed that my digestive system was not
accepting
of my lunch
dammed Mango Tango
anyways
we were discussing body image
and we were asked
"who is fully content with their body, does not want to change anything"
raise your hand
and I missed the moment
and now I feel
fear, shame, and guilt
because my fear
is that one day I will not love my body
and my shame
is that I said that I did not
and my guilt
is not raising my hand

The Blue Skies

You look and see the blue skies
can't see the chill
They tell you about the blue skies
they forget the wind
you go and feel the cold
rushes past your skin
if you don't find the blue skies
you just tell of the chill

Humans and People

people aren't people when you pass them on the street
they are measured
by your perceptions
are they social constriction?
are they your audience?
are they in the way?
are they making you uncomfortable?
are they a reflection
of what you are feeling?
of loneliness or pain?
do they remind you of something, or someone else?
because most people
are not people
to you

when they are lost
a human loss
casualties
the numbers grow larger
and if you try to imagine
but you can't
not then, of all times
that every human
is a person

you are a person
I am a person
but if I see you on the street, you may not be
to me
and I
to you

everyone is a person
humanity
an entity
and every person an entity as well, as complex
each one as the last
recognizable only to some
a terrible few

I can not even
now
ask that you consider
every human
a person
those you see, those you hear
hear of
I have tried it
there is a point where it is no longer real
where a person is not a person
yet again
and humanity returns to a more mediocre
backround
white noise
rainbow noise

Far too

When they say that I am like you
I think no way
I am far too special
far too unique
far too different
to even speak
of similarities

When they say that i am like you
You think no way
I am far too special
far too unique
far too different
to even think
of similarities

Need

I hate fundraising
right now I am fundraising for an organization called Unite For Sight
and I hate it, not the organization
but the need
the money
I hate money
and I hate need
when I need people
it makes me feel
terrible
anxious
uneasy
angry
because I always feel
like they will let me down
purposely put me down
and the more I give
of myself
the worse I know they can make me feel
when they leave
when they turn
which I know is not
an inevitability
but it feels as certain as death
at least in the beginning
at first
and then every once in a while
after that

False Spring

Today it is lovely
bright, sunny
and yet haunted by the fact
that it is but false spring
translucent and short
a mere reprise
from cold and wet and dark and dull
so bathe in it
and forget
the future

An Anniversary

I do regret to inform you
that I must be cryptic
on this, the anniversary of the day
so many years ago
is it the day? I confess my memory has swallowed
the exact date, the time that it all came undone
and I do admit
that time has not rebounded
the tearing on my heart
that began then
the slicing of my spirit
to ribbons
tied now into bows
respectable, contained
moving forward, you say
you all say
but i find it hard to
believe
when that has always been a mistake
to be paid